Children and Your Wedding
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Children and Your Wedding By Nina Callaway, About.com

the most strongly opinionated emails I receive are about having children at a wedding. Those with children can't understand why their precious darlings should be excluded from a ritual that's about family and community, while those without have images of rug-rats running free, spoiling a romantic and adult occasion. Reader Carol Anne goes even further than that. She wrote me an impassioned email, saying:

I like well-behaved children, but when someone has a wedding, if they want it to be a special, dignified affair, and they specifically have NOT asked people to bring their children, why don't people pay attention to that? And I love big family weddings where EVERYONE brings their children because the children were invited. But when I see a child that has been brought though uninvited, the poor kid is bored and I feel sorry for him - he's in his best clothes, can't play, can't get mussed, doesn't like the food, has no one to play with, and ends up getting disciplined for just being a kid. It's not right!....Parents need a sterner warning - DON'T bring your children to a wedding or reception if the bride and groom didn't specifically say "your kids are welcome".

I absolutely support the idea that the happy couple get to choose. If they've designed it as an adults-only affair, wedding guests should respect that. It's fine to politely ask if children are invited; out-of-towners can also ask about babysitting options or suggestions. And for those who love kids, why not give the children an important role in your wedding day?

What do you think -- are you inviting children to your wedding? Why or why not?

A Guide to Including Children in Your Wedding Ceremony

If you have children from a previous relationship, or have other young family members, you might consider making these kids a part of your wedding ceremony. There are many meaningful ways for a child to be included. But since kids can be unpredictable, you'll want to make sure they are playing an appropriate part for their age, and that you've done everything you can to make them comfortable.

Roles in the Wedding for Older Children:

  • Junior Bridesmaid/Groomsman
    They will wear an outfit similar to the other members of the bridal party, and fulfill many of the same roles as they do. They need not attend bachelor/bachelorette parties or showers.

  • Reader
    They will read a passage about marriage or love during the ceremony. sample wedding readings

  • Escorting the Bride
    There's no reason why your child can't be the one to walk you down the aisle.

  • Serving as an Usher
    They will help guests to their seats, pass out programs, and do everything the other ushers do.
Roles in the Wedding for Younger Children:
Making Children Comfortable During the Wedding Ceremony
Children might not do everything you think they will during the ceremony – it won't be perfect but it will probably be cute and entertaining.

(My favorite story is the one where the little boy takes the rings up the aisle, but every few steps he turns around, makes a ferocious face and growls at the crowd. The crowd laughs hysterically but no one understands. Later, when he's asked what he was doing, he seriously answers, "Being the ring bear!"

Here's some things you can do to make them more comfortable.
  • Assign them a helper – ideally another member of the wedding party who can keep an eye on them, hang out with them before the ceremony, and take them outside if they start to cry.

  • Bring a change of clothes for the wedding reception – this way they can eat, run around, play with crayons or other toys, all without fear of ruining nice clothes.

  • Practice walking down the aisle, until they are comfortable with it.

  • Show them exactly where their parents will be sitting

  • Consider buying them a book that talks about being a flower girl or ring bearer.

  • For a child whose parent is getting married, be sure to include them in the ceremony. This may mean asking the officiant to mention their names several times, or it may mean doing a family medallion ceremony, unity candle ceremony or ring ceremony that will include them in the new family that is being created. You could also include the children in your vows to each other. Having a part to play in the wedding ceremony can often make a child feel less anxious about the marriage.
Whatever you do, be sure to be patient with children. They may get suddenly shy, or uncomfortable with what's going on. In the end, let them do as much as they are happy doing.
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